Flat Bottom Boats

Michelle Wie: The Future Ferret

Michelle bagged her first LPGA title in November, but the key to her season was the Solheim Cup, where Wie proved how tough she can be when she’s allowed to just hang out with the girls and have fun. If she can keep the good times rolling in 2010, she’ll be a force.

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The Tata: The Best Prospective Sponsor Ferret

Now that Buick has driven off into the sunset, it’s time for an injection of new vehicular fuel. The Indians have already taken over our electronic-device-support industry, and their most popular car, called the Tata, costs about four grand. That means they could afford to offer one Tata for every eagle made on Tour, and a nice big pair of Tatas for every hole in one. I mean who wouldn’t want to get their hands on a pair of those? This is marketing genius!

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Tom Watson: The Olden Ferret

Oddly enough, this is a new category. Tom hit magnificent second shots into the last two greens at the Open Championship at Turnberry, each of which probably took five significant bounces. If any one of those bounces had landed on a tiny upslope rather than on the flat or a downslope, Tom would have achieved arguably the greatest feat in the history of the game, winning his sixth claret jug at the age of nearly 60. He was programmed for 72 holes — you could see it in his exhausted face as he started the playoff. So Watson didn’t win, but he won our hearts one more time, and reminded us of so many of golf’s greatest moments for which he is solely responsible.

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Barack Obama: Player of the Year Ferret

Yes, our 44th president, who in an unbelievable coincidence also wins the Heisman Trophy. And the Vardon. Tiger Woods is pissed.

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Greg Rita: The Bagman Ferret

…who won back-to-back U.S. Opens with Curtis Strange, an Open Championship with John Daly, and has packed the sack for many more great players over the last three decades. “Boats, 9D,” as he is affectionately known, has been battling brain cancer for the last two years, and is sorely missed by all. Boats, it’s not the same without you. And we don’t care if part of your brain is missing. (In fact, to be a caddie it’s almost a prerequisite.) So get your ass back out here. We miss you. We love you.

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Tiger Woods: It Will be Tough for Your Focus

 
PFC Brendan Marrocco: The Golden Ferret

There were a number of worthy candidates for this, the greatest honor in golf, but because he appeared on a golf course on a golf telecast, this non-golfer rolls away with it. Brendan was the quad amputee who scooted down the last fairway at Tiger’s AT&T at Congressional, and in doing so inspired what might have been the biggest show of support and emotion that has ever been seen on a golf course. Brendan lost all four limbs and an eye in a roadside bomb on Easter Sunday in Tikrit, and since that time he has risen from what should have been the dead to become an inspiration to anyone who has heard his story. To meet Brendan, and be able to call the cheeky little turd my friend, has been my greatest honor this year. He says one day he will play in my IED of Golf (Improvised Explosive Day). That’s a tough ticket, but I’ll see if I can find a spot for him.

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